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Aug. 15th, 2012 11:41 pm[Filter: Private]
There's nothing I can possibly say to make any of it better. Absolutely nothing, how could there be? She's right about everything. And ... if she stays here, if she leaves us now and I never do see her again ... I'll only have myself to blame. She would be all right. I know she would be. Everyone who has ever left us has found their own way, somewhere, their own life. They've moved on, and I think they all must be happier now, living for themselves, than they ever were when they were putting everything on hold for this. So -- maybe it's what's best. Pearl will move on with her life, she'll find something -- someone, I hope -- that makes her happy, and ...
And I'll never forgive myself for being the reason she left us, and it will be exactly what I deserve.
I should make Kail apologize to her, before she goes. If he means half of what he's said to me, lately, he can at least do that. She was my best friend, here, apart from him. Those years we spent together meant the world to me, and I will never, ever forgive myself for what's happened. Just because I can't ... love her, it doesn't mean that I didn't ... I do love her, just not ...
It's not enough, and there's no excuse.
I ...
I wouldn't want to be here anymore, either. I can imagine what it must be like. I already know what it's like to think that -- that Kail's happier with someone else. What would I do, if he changed his mind now? Or three years from now. If he put a stop to this all of a sudden and confessed that he'd never really felt any of the things he says he does and -- then he found the love of his life a month later? And then, if everyone came forward and congratulated him for it?
I can't even ...
And he would do the same thing. He would be worse. He'd think we could just go back to being friends, and he'd be hurt if I -- if I couldn't. And ... I don't think I could, how could I? Every day would hurt so, so badly, so much worse than it ever was before.
I don't deserve her friendship. I just wish that she didn't have to hurt so badly before she realizes that I was never worth her time from the start.
There's nothing I can possibly say to make any of it better. Absolutely nothing, how could there be? She's right about everything. And ... if she stays here, if she leaves us now and I never do see her again ... I'll only have myself to blame. She would be all right. I know she would be. Everyone who has ever left us has found their own way, somewhere, their own life. They've moved on, and I think they all must be happier now, living for themselves, than they ever were when they were putting everything on hold for this. So -- maybe it's what's best. Pearl will move on with her life, she'll find something -- someone, I hope -- that makes her happy, and ...
And I'll never forgive myself for being the reason she left us, and it will be exactly what I deserve.
I should make Kail apologize to her, before she goes. If he means half of what he's said to me, lately, he can at least do that. She was my best friend, here, apart from him. Those years we spent together meant the world to me, and I will never, ever forgive myself for what's happened. Just because I can't ... love her, it doesn't mean that I didn't ... I do love her, just not ...
It's not enough, and there's no excuse.
I ...
I wouldn't want to be here anymore, either. I can imagine what it must be like. I already know what it's like to think that -- that Kail's happier with someone else. What would I do, if he changed his mind now? Or three years from now. If he put a stop to this all of a sudden and confessed that he'd never really felt any of the things he says he does and -- then he found the love of his life a month later? And then, if everyone came forward and congratulated him for it?
I can't even ...
And he would do the same thing. He would be worse. He'd think we could just go back to being friends, and he'd be hurt if I -- if I couldn't. And ... I don't think I could, how could I? Every day would hurt so, so badly, so much worse than it ever was before.
I don't deserve her friendship. I just wish that she didn't have to hurt so badly before she realizes that I was never worth her time from the start.
